Hello again everyone.
In a recent post I mentioned that a member of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM) had recently succeeded in being photographed for his Driver’s License with a spaghetti strainer on his head. I know, this seems a little out of the ordinary. But I found it inspiring.
So inspiring, in fact, that when I had some time on my hands today, I browsed the FSM website. There I found a wealth of knowledge. For instance, did you know you can become a FSM Minister for only $25?
Or that the government of Australia, after years of court proceedings, has decided that Pastafarians (members of the FSM) will be allowed to wear religious headgear in ID photos? Or that the FSM advocates that the US build a monument instead of a wall?
In a letter to President Trump promoting the idea, the FSM stated as follows:
Dear President Trump: you should build a monument instead of a border wall.
I won’t make the usual arguments against the wall — that border apprehensions are at a 40-year low; that immigrants are not a leading (or growing) cause of crime; that it is technology, not immigrants, taking American jobs. There are countless studies that conclude a border wall will be tremendously expensive and ineffective at its goals.
But I’m sure you understand this.
The wall clearly is about symbolism, about the message it sends to the world. And about you, and what your presidency represents. Here is a wall, you people stay on your side – America is full. The wall is about drawing a line, about Real American values, about American toughness.
But can I suggest to you that your followers may not entirely understand this message? That they may not be attuned to subtle ideas like symbolism? They may be irked after you spend $15 Billion of our tax dollars on a wall that does not improve American lives in any meaningful way, no matter the message it sends.
Let me next appeal to your sense of aesthetics. You’ve spent your life building magnificent buildings, beautiful golf courses, resorts and so on. The Wall will be ugly and plain, the money must be spread across too many hundreds of miles to be spectacular in any given spot. No one will want to come to look at it, no one will be impressed with it’s grandeur. Do you want that to be your legacy?
So I propose you announce a different project — a grand, glittering monument — one that promotes the idea of American Toughness, and which – I think economists will back me up – is a better use of our tax dollars.
Rather than describe the monument in words, I’ve commissioned an architectural concept drawing of the monument:
You’ll notice they’re gold. I did the math* and for a set of testicles roughly 30 feet tall, you can safely budget $10 Billion to gold plate the balls at a thickness of over an inch and still come out under what your border wall is estimated to cost.
And unlike a wall, here you’ll have a monument that people can come and admire in all its glory. Here is the literal symbol of virility and masculine toughness and all things alpha-male. Your followers are unlikely to miss the message.
Plus, this monument is a safe investment — if things don’t work out, the gold can be reclaimed. Unlike a border wall, the money spent gold plating a massive set of testicles is not a wasteful use of taxpayer money.
Thank you for your time. Please let me know if I can help with more details and so on (I have some ideas on replacing Obamacare also).
-Bobby Henderson, Concerned citizen and taxpayer
FSM is clearly an enlightened Church. I can only hope that my Church of What’s Happening Now will be as enlightened as the FSM.
Thanks for reading and stay tuned.